Hannah Elieson: 2014

feeling

farewell, but not really

i'll be honest i have been dreading this day

our pen names haven't only given us an identity, but a reason to stay

and it's hard because 1 sided dimples can't cover everything

only red cheeks and bad humor

i hope i've been worth your time

and i hope i've made you feel a hundred things at once

because that's how i've been feeling.

and everyday i think i have a new disease

and i care way too much about other people's grades.

and sometimes its hard because i know i'm already a hypochondriac and a stress case

but that's only 1 reason to leave

and don't worry

because i've got 12 more to stick around

so this won't be the last of me

you haven't seen the last of me.

Hannah Elieson

16 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

good old days

how could I forget

I remember when times were simpler.

When the hardest part of the day was tying your shoes.

I remember making bread for the first time in kindergarten and it tasting so good

I remember you and your contagious laugh
and how we thought riding in the wagon down our street was a good idea.
You couldn't steer so we tried leaning,
but we both came home with a little bit of gravel in our legs.

really it was alright because nothing mattered to us at that age.

I remember a childhood full of otter pops and knuckle sandwiches,

of too many night terrors and the million lemonade stands we had

I remember the way your lips curled at the edges
and how you always looked like you were hiding something.

OF COURSE I remember crepes at 3 am
and how I tried to french braid your almost long enough hair
even though I knew it wouldn't work.

I remember thinking since I was already late

I might as well stay out even later.

Because I swear you never sleep

but I'm sure you still wake up beautiful.

You're a Libra that lied about being an Aries just to make me excited.

And you even said "serious tweet" when it was definitely not a serious tweet.

and I remember catching you staring & me staring back through my peripheral vision

and I remember laughing with you until it hurt while we were standing in the rain.

I remember you said "Karen" but I thought you said "turn"

so the jello game got real, real fast.

I don't remember his voice anymore or the sting that comes with it.

I don't remember the empty sky and empty silences.

because now all I can remember are the rap battles
and how there's never enough time in the day.

the right turn then two lefts and another right.

I remember thinking you were one of those "too cool" people

but first impressions are almost never right.

and I can't stop remembering you.

2 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

happy

tangible words

I woke up this morning missing you.

because I can't forget

the way your eyes crinkle

on the sides when you smile.

and in first grade I told myself that

I would marry a man with those eyes.

those kinds people are special to me.

maybe that's why its hard.

because you finally gave me the time of day

after weeks of absent "hellos" in the hall.

and I can't remember to forget and

I can't forget what I remember.

maybe that's why it's hard.

3 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

confused

karma

Update: it hit me. Hard.

I found out just how real the tear stained faces are.

And how mascara doesn't care if anyone can see you or not.

It still stains my always red cheeks.

I found out that numb only lasts for 8 days.

I found out that another weekend third wheeling sends me home quicker than my curfew does.

I found myself in bed by 9:30 because it's better than being anywhere else
and too many weekends have been spent waiting for you to make up your mind.

I found out that monday nights are starting to blur into friday nights and its scaring me that I can't tell the difference.

I've been listening to everything from one direction to sam smith to enya.

and no matter how hard I try, this sweatshirt still smells like you and secretly I don't want it to fade along with the memories.

It ended so differently in my head and I think that's half the reason I can't sleep tonight.

My mind won't stop repeating

"I told you so."

And the best my heart can come up with is "sorry maybe next time"

but what if "maybe" isn't good enough for me right now.

I found out that genuine people are rare and I don't know why

I found out that if you fall asleep before 2 am you can cheat your feelings.

but only for 8 days.

I found out that you're better off without me

But I still haven't found out why.

9 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

feeling

numb

It's early November and I can't feel my hands, my toes, my face,

or my heart.

and to be honest, I don't really think it's hit me that you're gone. the drives, the almost handshakes, and the eye contact from opposite sides of the commons. it's gone but I can't feel it.

I can't feel it.

I almost wish the emotions would come flooding in so I can just be done ~~with it.~~

with you.

human nature is what's keeping my eyes from closing every night because I can't stop asking why.

I tried to warm my heart with caramel apple cider and a long drive but I think it made it worse. and the deafening silence that follows each song only made me want you more.

The biting chill of the early winter breeze and the piercing sound of nothing made me realize that I was the lone in lonely.

I didn't let myself think about it too long because it gave me a headache.

the kind of headache that makes your teeth clench and your eyes water.

and I promise it was from the migrane and not from you.

because really, there's been no tears or trace of sadness.

and I'm mad that I'm not mad.

Because this kind of numb can't be healed by apple cider.

And I'm still trying to find the good in GOODbye.

10 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

college

pancakes & college

"You said don’t lie so I made the truth"

I made pancakes today.

"Seemed like a lie to even you"

*I tried to make pancakes today.

but if I'm being completely honest, they weren't very good.

I feel so high maintenance because I had my mom make them.

I'm mostly worried for college because I don't even like Ramen Noodles.

and you can only dry shampoo it for so long
before you have to actually buy more shampoo.

so we'll see how long I last.

"oh, I’m guaranteed to lose my mind"

I like change just as much as the next person

and dying happens but the real trial is learning how to live with it.

"It's dangerous to speak and sigh"

Don't worry because lightning never strikes in the same place twice.

But today it hit like thirty times.

"You might know what I’m trying to hide"

I don't have all the answers and I don't know if I want them yet.

Just like how we don't know if pancake mix expires or not.

"I bought the book but didn't flip the page"

and darling,

old habits die hard.

and we're looking for syrup in all the wrong places.

7 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

inadequacyaphobia

I have it.

you have it.

picasso even had it. so that makes me feel a little better.

I'm a stress case and sometimes I worry it will take over my life.

it hovers and comes crashing down when I least expect it.

damaging the pretty blue eyes and the delicate curls. the nails you paid too much for and the worrisome mothers that only want the best for you.

it's in the smoke crawling towards you and it's taunting you relentlessly with all of the words you wish you said and the songs you wish you sung.

but now it's too late and you've already used all of your second chances.

Cruel and unforgiving, the fear of inadequacy whispers in your ear and his and theirs too.

because its all including and leaves no one empty handed,

only empty hearted.

Your lips are filled with comforting words but your eyes are filled with regret.

I've already told you this but you're still not helping with my inadequacyaphobia.

even if it IS self-diagnosed.

You can tell me all you want but the smoke has already reached my lungs and wouldn't it be ironic if Picasso died of lung cancer?

4 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

good old days

wrinkle cream

"When the parents hate it, the kids love it"

HOW TO STAY YOUNG:

sorry the wrinkles are inevitable no matter how much money you spend because carrie underwood and jennifer aniston told you to

and we're all just kids who grew up too fast.

11 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

young volcanoes

"we are wild, we are like young volcanoes"-Fall out Boy

Sadie's was gr8 don't get me wrong

but you are impossible to read.

and I can read everyone.

bella and edward lol

K but I refuse to be the lifeless, emotionless girl who doesn't get it. and you're not a cold hearted person.

I don't know whether or not to text you like you told me or walk up to the door and actually knock like a real person.

because sooner or later

kids won't know why we say things like

"hang up the phone"

"roll up the window"

"hold your horses"

Because technology is advancing fast

like that girl is with you

and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little jealous.

But just for tonight you're mine

and sorry if that sounded a little creepy

but I just don't really know what I'm doing anymore.

we choreographed a dance

just in case there was a dance circle

because #1 its hilarious

and #2 senior year

but there wasn't a circle.

and there's always a circle.

Sadie's is stressful. & don't even get me started with preference.

You give me a headache like the colored lights at the dance because one minute you're flirty and the next you're silent.

It's almost like we're five years old again and the floor is lava

jumping from couch to couch making up the rules as we go.

in our case, I've tripped and you pull me up just to push me back in yourself.

almost just for the satisfaction.

so you could say I'm reasonably hurt but weirdly I feel like you're still wrapped around my finger.

and who's to say if its my ring finger or my middle finger.

I overthink things so we're probably fine.

if there even is a "we"

I'm exploding on the inside just because of the possibility of this.

I've been waiting for someone like you and I know that's just about as cliche as it gets.

But darling if I've learned anything from the day that felt like a year its that I can't text back,

and maybe my knuckles will be chipped with my insanity and what your body language told me and possibly with how hard I'm knocking.

but mostly the last one.

7 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

diamond vision

"If you're going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty."
-Marilyn Monroe

no offense but

I'm a little scared of people like you and what you're capable of.

I let you in on a little secret

not thinking much of it

but that was the problem.

trust is a funny thing because its lost much quicker than it's gained.

it's a new paycheck before prom

a friday night spent trying to think of what to do

those new shoes that are only white for a few days

and those fruit snacks everyone loves from costco.

here one day,

gone the next

without warning and without caring

and sometimes people sell me short

because its so hard for me to say no

clothes

rides

food

money

trust

because sometimes there aren't enough people who say yes.

I've got diamond vision and I'm calling your bluff.

(you're a little transparent that's all)

So park your car and stay awhile

because we've got time and I'm not done placing bets.

and you've got the cards to do the damage.

“Life is not a matter of holding good cards, but of playing a poor hand well.”

4 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

important

you > stars

Because maybe you're the sunshine at midnight

when the stars are too weary to be noticed

and hunny I'd take you over the stars any day.

6 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

comfort

don't steal my car

I hate you

Wow sorry that was rude

I dislike you.

How's that?

people can do a 180 in such a short amount of time

"you are the sum of the 5 people you give the most time to." -zoelaz

Boy can I vauge for that.

I've seen you go through hell and back and you still refuse to acknowledge who you've become.

I can only be a "good example" to you for so long cause eventually
I'm out of your top 5.

And not the who's-your-top-five-kissy-face kind of top 5.
The influential-zoelaz top five.

'Cause you're running around without a care in the world and

yes this is still highschool.

and I have another test tomorrow & the teacher hasn't even graded the first one yet.
help

Maybe I'm uptight or just the oldest child but I'm getting sick of people who "just don't care."

but now its hipster not to care so maybe I'm on my own

because now everyone is "hipster"

And I dislike that because my mom said hate is too strong of a word.

But maybe I need a strong word.

So my expectations are lower than the school-zone speed limit

'cause you're stuck in your ways just like that old guy across the street.

and don't even try to tell me that my mom's homemade waffles can't heal everything.

Because THEY DO.

My nightmares consist of crooked teeth and
people driving my car into a lake.

but pretty soon they'll be of what you used to be and
how you can never recover from that.

I still have that note we used to pass in jr high but
I keep it in my top drawer so its closer.

And yes Facebook, I know I have notifications pending

but you're a bit outdated like flare jeans and chokers.

my advice to you:

Don't be that old guy.

You've still got time

And I've got a full tank of gas and a gift card to red mango.

8 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

concrete feelings

you scare me

my heart can't handle your dimples and how you throw your head back when you laugh

I'm more nervous to talk to you than to take the ACT or apply to college.

Scratch that.

Nothing's scarier than applying to college.

but you come pretty dang close.

I seriously get anxiety and probably more than is healthy

as if any anxiety at all is healthy

my mood ring is purple and that means romance

so let's roll with that.

I'm no electrician

but I know this is a good kind of electricity that we have

and I want nothing more than for you to

hold my heart

it's beating for you anyways.

But let's not talk about that.

Let's talk about how humans sneeze when they walk into the sun

And how we'll never know how long balloons last in the sky

once they've been let go of

And how bricks are thrown everyday from all of the

snarky comments and petty remarks

Let's talk about how ALL OF MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD

(and by dead I mean on missions)

Let's talk about how nothing feels more concrete than when you're holding the one you love.

Because the best moments are the ones where his heartbeat is

louder than the movie.

and now I've collected enough bricks to build myself a house

and who knows if you want any part of me.

Someone else said you get just as nervous as I do.

but I lost my mood ring so I don't know how I feel about that.

"Every ring is a mood ring when you feel nothing" --Lorde

6 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

caution: this side up

The faces you see everyday. Gone

The grumpy cops, the nasty smelling football hallway, and most of all the knight.

Also gone.

You're "one year older and wiser too" but it's not nearly as exciting as when you were in primary.

I don't want to grow up just yet.

In fact I dread growing up.

I'm terrified actually.

I'm terrified of leaving everyone I've grown to love and know

and I don't know if I'm ready for that change just yet.

I'm terrified of having to pay bills and having to start over

because what if they don't like me and I get labelled as something I'm not

what the hell, they'll label me anyways.

and her

and you

and us

and even them too.

because when you're younger everything's easier.

still worrisome but you worried differently back then.

I'll still never get over the fact that the grape medicine ruined every grape flavor for me

and that the word "play" was socially unacceptable in junior high

I still laugh that tamogatchis were banned at my elementary because they needed to be fed every so often and it was a

"disruption to the class"

We were so concerned about how to hold a pencil, making sure we didn't have two left shoes on, and about how to organize our erasers in our desks.

Instead we worry about how to hold someone's heart, making sure we have enough makeup on, and how to organize our thoughts and emotions after losing the one we thought we loved.

So maybe I'm speaking for everyone or just for myself when I say we wanna stay young forever.