Hannah Elieson: November 2014

confused

karma

Update: it hit me. Hard.

I found out just how real the tear stained faces are.

And how mascara doesn't care if anyone can see you or not.

It still stains my always red cheeks.

I found out that numb only lasts for 8 days.

I found out that another weekend third wheeling sends me home quicker than my curfew does.

I found myself in bed by 9:30 because it's better than being anywhere else
and too many weekends have been spent waiting for you to make up your mind.

I found out that monday nights are starting to blur into friday nights and its scaring me that I can't tell the difference.

I've been listening to everything from one direction to sam smith to enya.

and no matter how hard I try, this sweatshirt still smells like you and secretly I don't want it to fade along with the memories.

It ended so differently in my head and I think that's half the reason I can't sleep tonight.

My mind won't stop repeating

"I told you so."

And the best my heart can come up with is "sorry maybe next time"

but what if "maybe" isn't good enough for me right now.

I found out that genuine people are rare and I don't know why

I found out that if you fall asleep before 2 am you can cheat your feelings.

but only for 8 days.

I found out that you're better off without me

But I still haven't found out why.

9 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

feeling

numb

It's early November and I can't feel my hands, my toes, my face,

or my heart.

and to be honest, I don't really think it's hit me that you're gone. the drives, the almost handshakes, and the eye contact from opposite sides of the commons. it's gone but I can't feel it.

I can't feel it.

I almost wish the emotions would come flooding in so I can just be done ~~with it.~~

with you.

human nature is what's keeping my eyes from closing every night because I can't stop asking why.

I tried to warm my heart with caramel apple cider and a long drive but I think it made it worse. and the deafening silence that follows each song only made me want you more.

The biting chill of the early winter breeze and the piercing sound of nothing made me realize that I was the lone in lonely.

I didn't let myself think about it too long because it gave me a headache.

the kind of headache that makes your teeth clench and your eyes water.

and I promise it was from the migrane and not from you.

because really, there's been no tears or trace of sadness.

and I'm mad that I'm not mad.

Because this kind of numb can't be healed by apple cider.

And I'm still trying to find the good in GOODbye.

10 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

college

pancakes & college

"You said don’t lie so I made the truth"

I made pancakes today.

"Seemed like a lie to even you"

*I tried to make pancakes today.

but if I'm being completely honest, they weren't very good.

I feel so high maintenance because I had my mom make them.

I'm mostly worried for college because I don't even like Ramen Noodles.

and you can only dry shampoo it for so long
before you have to actually buy more shampoo.

so we'll see how long I last.

"oh, I’m guaranteed to lose my mind"

I like change just as much as the next person

and dying happens but the real trial is learning how to live with it.

"It's dangerous to speak and sigh"

Don't worry because lightning never strikes in the same place twice.

But today it hit like thirty times.

"You might know what I’m trying to hide"

I don't have all the answers and I don't know if I want them yet.

Just like how we don't know if pancake mix expires or not.

"I bought the book but didn't flip the page"

and darling,

old habits die hard.

and we're looking for syrup in all the wrong places.

7 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

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