Hannah Elieson

headache

I have the kind of headache that makes your teeth clench and your eyes water.

and I get a bloody nose every other day.

the doctor said that vaseline has all the answers

it can't be that easy.

Can it?

Tell me I'm not a hypochondriac when my dad randomly decides to have our whole family checked for diabetes. Maybe it was my little brother and the 15 pounds of Halloween candy he got. Or maybe he's just as paranoid as I am.

Either way I've still got a headache.

I'm writing papers on subjects I know nothing about and failing the quizzes that are supposed to be easy.

I'm studying for hours on end and I've got nothing to show for it.

"Welcome to college" they say.

"It'll be fun" they say.

There's nothing taped to the fridge anymore and there's no food inside either.

I'm sick of all the "you'll get the hang of it" pep talks from freshman only enrolled in elective classes

Failure.

The feelings a little unfamiliar and I don't think I'm handling it well.

I have the kind of headache that makes your teeth clench and your eyes water.

And a shortness of breath when I walk through south campus at 2:58 pm.

And it's not because the air is becoming more and more like the tips of your 5th grade hair.

(and it is)

I've always been afraid to say how I feel so maybe that's why I have trouble standing up for myself. And it's taken 2 friendships and a trip across the country for me to realize that.

but its almost okay because now I'm scrambling to find a muted flowering currant colored dress and spending more and more time at home trying to get far away, but right now far is just a little too close.

I have the kind of headache, heartache that makes your muscles weak and your head cloudy.

Because he's half way across the world playing the piano and I can still hear it.

2 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

comfort

I need another plant

don't worry about that paper
don't worry about that assignment
about that midterm
and that midterm
and that midterm

because grades shouldn't define me but somehow they still do

My A's are fading fast and all I can think of are the days when this was easier.
easier to write
easier to sleep
and much much easier to talk to him.

I almost talked to him 3 times but for some reason I kept walking.

I take routes to make our paths cross but then I do nothing about it.

It's almost funny how nervous I get and how butterflies are my constant companion now

but now I don't have time to go on canyon drives and watch the blood moon because my F's are more important than my friends right now.

which is a problem.

I have a problem.

because I never get enough sleep but I tell my mom I do

because I stare at the mountains when I'm driving and almost crash every time

because I care more about how my clothes are hung up than what time it is

because I buy a candle every time I go shopping

because if I'm not doing anything I get so overwhelmed to the point of tears

because I manage to write my emails instead of my papers

but how can I write papers when he comes home in 8 months and he just hit his year mark and he has 657 days left.

I need more hours in the day and good food and my I need my friends back and just one day to myself and a long shower

and I need a plant.

only you can understand that.

2 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

nostalgia

old soul

you say you have an old soul

and mine's growing weary waiting for you.

this week has been everything we hoped for plus two
and if we close our eyes

then maybe,

just maybe,

nothing will change

at least for now.

i'm a bit of a hopeless case.
stress case.
basket case.

but you already know that.

you're a bit of a punk and i've seen your kind before.
cool. confident. but not collected.
because on the inside aren't we all a bit confused?

we're all desperate to relate but vulnerability's knock is a little harder than we're used to.

you live in a ghost town 30 minutes from here but face time is only fun for so long until you start pixelating and we're snapped back to the meaning of long distance.

I get jealous of people who see you everyday because my sarcasm isn't as funny typed and snapchat isn't cutting it.

we both know that.

but gas is cheap

and so is talk.

No comments

, by Hannah Elieson

feeling

farewell, but not really

i'll be honest i have been dreading this day

our pen names haven't only given us an identity, but a reason to stay

and it's hard because 1 sided dimples can't cover everything

only red cheeks and bad humor

i hope i've been worth your time

and i hope i've made you feel a hundred things at once

because that's how i've been feeling.

and everyday i think i have a new disease

and i care way too much about other people's grades.

and sometimes its hard because i know i'm already a hypochondriac and a stress case

but that's only 1 reason to leave

and don't worry

because i've got 12 more to stick around

so this won't be the last of me

you haven't seen the last of me.

Hannah Elieson

16 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

good old days

how could I forget

I remember when times were simpler.

When the hardest part of the day was tying your shoes.

I remember making bread for the first time in kindergarten and it tasting so good

I remember you and your contagious laugh
and how we thought riding in the wagon down our street was a good idea.
You couldn't steer so we tried leaning,
but we both came home with a little bit of gravel in our legs.

really it was alright because nothing mattered to us at that age.

I remember a childhood full of otter pops and knuckle sandwiches,

of too many night terrors and the million lemonade stands we had

I remember the way your lips curled at the edges
and how you always looked like you were hiding something.

OF COURSE I remember crepes at 3 am
and how I tried to french braid your almost long enough hair
even though I knew it wouldn't work.

I remember thinking since I was already late

I might as well stay out even later.

Because I swear you never sleep

but I'm sure you still wake up beautiful.

You're a Libra that lied about being an Aries just to make me excited.

And you even said "serious tweet" when it was definitely not a serious tweet.

and I remember catching you staring & me staring back through my peripheral vision

and I remember laughing with you until it hurt while we were standing in the rain.

I remember you said "Karen" but I thought you said "turn"

so the jello game got real, real fast.

I don't remember his voice anymore or the sting that comes with it.

I don't remember the empty sky and empty silences.

because now all I can remember are the rap battles
and how there's never enough time in the day.

the right turn then two lefts and another right.

I remember thinking you were one of those "too cool" people

but first impressions are almost never right.

and I can't stop remembering you.

2 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

happy

tangible words

I woke up this morning missing you.

because I can't forget

the way your eyes crinkle

on the sides when you smile.

and in first grade I told myself that

I would marry a man with those eyes.

those kinds people are special to me.

maybe that's why its hard.

because you finally gave me the time of day

after weeks of absent "hellos" in the hall.

and I can't remember to forget and

I can't forget what I remember.

maybe that's why it's hard.

3 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

confused

karma

Update: it hit me. Hard.

I found out just how real the tear stained faces are.

And how mascara doesn't care if anyone can see you or not.

It still stains my always red cheeks.

I found out that numb only lasts for 8 days.

I found out that another weekend third wheeling sends me home quicker than my curfew does.

I found myself in bed by 9:30 because it's better than being anywhere else
and too many weekends have been spent waiting for you to make up your mind.

I found out that monday nights are starting to blur into friday nights and its scaring me that I can't tell the difference.

I've been listening to everything from one direction to sam smith to enya.

and no matter how hard I try, this sweatshirt still smells like you and secretly I don't want it to fade along with the memories.

It ended so differently in my head and I think that's half the reason I can't sleep tonight.

My mind won't stop repeating

"I told you so."

And the best my heart can come up with is "sorry maybe next time"

but what if "maybe" isn't good enough for me right now.

I found out that genuine people are rare and I don't know why

I found out that if you fall asleep before 2 am you can cheat your feelings.

but only for 8 days.

I found out that you're better off without me

But I still haven't found out why.

9 comments

, by Hannah Elieson

Older
Stories

Pages

headache

I need another plant

old soul

farewell, but not really

how could I forget

tangible words

karma

Blog Archive

Labels

Please Read

Popular Posts